English Jokes!  
 


April Cover of Arizona Highways - Roadrunner Bird!
 
 

Divided Equally

We hosted some German tourists who looked forward to their visit to the Grand Canyon. After returning from the Canyon and a number of other sites along the way, we were curious to learn what had impressed them most. To our surprise, they said the most impressive sight was seeing two parts of a house being moved down the highway. Theyd heard of American style divorce in which everything is divided in half. Now theyd actually seen a house that had been cut in two!


Found in the issue of Arizona highways January 2001


A good Question!

We are recent residents of Arizona, retiring from California. Our grandchildren have visited us during different times of the year. On one of their summer visits I took Kyle, 4, and Kristi, 7, to gather some vegetables from our garden. As we harvested the carrots, radishes, beans and other goodies, I pointed out the strawberry, corn and potato plants. After some careful consideration, Kyle turned to me and asked, "When can we pick the mashed potatoes?"

Found in the issue of Arizona highways April 2001


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was to old and the well needed to be covered anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finaly looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off

and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping

...never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!


Remember these five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.




Restroom for manager and employee

 
Restroom for manager and employee

Proof that girls are evil!





The lines and the picture I got from Elvina, a penfriend from the U.S.A.


Like Dad

My son took his 4-year-old boy to the barbershop for a haircut, but when they came out the child was crying. "What's wrong, son?" his father asked. "Don't you like your haircut?" "No," the boy replied. "I wanted one with a hole in the top - like yours."


Finding a spot

When little Rosa's bearded grandfather came to Arizona to visit her, he asked her if she would give him a kiss. She hesitated, and then replied, "I want to, but I don't see any place to do it."

Dance Lessons

Three Indian medicine men sat together discussing their work. The first said his people still did the Rain Dance. "Most of time it rains, but sometimes it doesn't," he said.
The second said his people dance the Corn Dance. "Most of time, the corn grows big and plentiful, but sometimes it doesn't," he said.
The third said with a big smile, "My people dance the Sunrise Dance, and the sun rises every time."

Found in the issue of Arizona Highways February 2001



A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistent. I will be home before midnight, your husband.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follow:

Dear husband, you too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year oldpool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, therefore don`t wait up.


Mad Cow disease spreading to wolves...


Mad cow disease spreading to wolves...

Cheers

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group improving by the regular killing off the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after few beers..."


Lightening

A little girl walked to and from the school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lighting. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from the school and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roars of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.

A she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty, God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

And don't forget to SMILE!!!

The lines and pictures I got from Elvina, a penfriend from the U.S.A.



"This seems to be a very healthy spot, my man," said the tourist to the Arizona cowbow.
"I suppose people don't die here very often." "No, Sir. They only die once."


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in Hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.


I found this poem in a column of Coolgary, that I received from a former pen friend. It is a sad poem written by an unknown author.

Death of an Innocent!

I went to a party Mum
I remembered what you said
You told me not to drink Mum
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside Mum
The way you said I would
I didnt drink and drive Mum.
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing Mum
I know you were always right
Now the party is ending Mum
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car Mum
I knew Id get home in one piece
Because of the way you raised me Mum
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away Mum
But as I pulled onto the road
The other car didnt see me Mum
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement Mum
I hear the policeman say
The other guy is drunk, Mum
And now Im the one wholl pay.

Im lying here dying Mum
I wish you`d get here soon
How could this happen to me, Mum?
My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mum
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say Mum
Ill die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you Mum
I swear I didnt drink
It was the others Mum
The others didnt think.

He was probably at the same party as I
The only difference is he drank and I will die.

Why do you think people drin Mum?
It can ruin your whole life
Im feeling sharp pains now,
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking Mum
And I dont think it is fair
Im lying here dying Mum
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry Mum
Tell Daddy to be brave
And when I go to the heaven Mum
Write "Daddys Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have told him Mum
Not to drink and drive
If they had only told him Mum
I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter Mum
Im becoming scared
Please dont cry for me Mum
When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question Mum
Before I say good-bye
I didnt drink and drive Mum
So why am I the one to die?

by an unknown author.


An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

This old story I got from a friend per email. I know the story is old and you can also find it if you are reading German tale books. The moral of the story would be called in German: "Allen Leuten Recht getan ist die Kunst die Keiner kann."


Irish man's Philosophy

There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well
then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick
there are two things to worry about,
either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well
there is nothing to worry about.

If you die
there are only two things to worry about,
either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell
you will be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
you won't have time to worry!

Why worry.

The lines I got from Gilbert Rattenburry.




Updated on 05.06.03

 
 
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